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I am exactly where I need to be right now

Mon, 29 Apr 2024 11:18:15 GMT

Helpful thoughts for a life without drama

"I am exactly where I need to be right now

Borrowed thought: I am exactly where I need to be right now

This thought is another one of my stables which I use to focus on the present moment and the various possibilities and options available to me right now. Rather than yearning for a mythical time in the future when I will have achieved a certain goal, I am choosing to believe that it is ok to be where I am right now in the full realisation that the entire premise of a ‘right’ place is ultimately flawed and completely irrelevant.

Creative Mode

The simple truth is that we are where we are right now. The train may have left the station leaving us behind. Wishing we were on it doesn’t suddenly magically transport us there. Berating ourselves also does nothing to remedy the situation. We remain on the cold platform, having to wait for another train or adjust our plans. Acknowledging and accepting that we are where we are right now helps us to maintain or restore calm, allowing us access to our creative mind which is much more capable of coming up with clever solutions rather than the flight, fight or freeze response of an overwhelmed brain.

If not here, where then?

If we cannot accept where we are right now, then where do we think we should be? Even if we’d had a map of our entire life’s journey in front of us pinpointing exactly where we are right now that information still wouldn’t answer that question. All we may infer is a location somewhere between birth and death. The location is merely a station on a long road, a pearl on a string of pearls, one that only exists because of the one before it. In his excellent book ‘The Midnight Library’ author Matt Haig explores the idea of revisiting choices we made in life and catching a glimpse of lives not lived, collapsed because of choices that weren’t made. Nora Seed, who is caught between life and death quickly learns that those alternative lives were not ‘better’. The helping of the good, bad and the ugly were present in all circumstances of her lives as they are in ours.

Beyond goals

If we live from goal to goal rather than moment to moment, we’ll find little to interest us in the present. Right now, either becomes a stepping stone to a bigger goal in our mind or a signpost that indicates how far away we are from reaching the end of our current endeavour. If we cannot, even for a while, celebrate what we have achieved and feel true contentment, then life becomes nothing more than a perpetual Sisyphean labour that leaves us forever wanting. Realising that all goals are emotional in nature interrupts that cycle of climbing and falling. We finally see that we only want to reach that point because we are convinced that getting there will allow us to feel a certain way. But if we could generate that feeling right here, right now, reaching that new height becomes as irrelevant as the question of whether we are where we need to be.

Learn more about thought work:

https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/the-society/

How human of me

Mon, 18 Mar 2024 11:55:16 GMT

Helpful thoughts for a life without drama

"How human of me"

Borrowed thought: How human of me

When I was introduced to the thought ‘How human of me” by Kara Loewentheil during a training seminar I was amazed at its effectiveness to generate self-compassion which is vital when we want to become and stay curious about our thoughts and feelings. But what does it mean to be human?

Etymology of 'human'

The word ‘human’ stems from the late Middle English humaine, from Old French humain(e), from Latin humanus, from homo ‘man, human being’ and is closely related to humane meaning having or showing compassion, inflicting the minimum of pain or a branch of learning intended to have a civilizing effect on people.

Biology and Philosophy

Approaching the question of what it means to be human leads us immediately to two categories: biology and philosophy. Looking at this from a biological level we may e.g. discover that humans are said possess a brain very large compared to our size, utilise bipedal upright motion to move about, lack fur, have a long childhood and see in colour ( Wikipedia ). Philosophy on the other hand, would prefer to seek an answer to the question of what being ‘humane’ entails. The thought ‘How human of me’ relates to both these viewpoints by recognising biological limitations to generate a sense of compassion for both us and others.

Perfectionism and the loss of an ensouled universe

The belief that everything is alive and has a soul ( Panpsychism ) was almost certainly widespread in pre-Socratic society and became popular again in the Renaissance after a decline in the Middle Ages. The rising interest in scientific enquiry in the 17 ^th century, known as the Age of Enlightenment , paved the way for causal determinism which became the predominant way we view the world today wherein is assumed that the world is a determined clockworklike machine. René Descartes split the world into mind and matter, Isaac Newton found evidence to support this theory in physics and the French mathematician Pierre Laplace formulated and broadcasted the idea of determinism. The Industrial Revolution was a natural consequence of this way of thinking. With the invention of conveyor belt work, factories shot up in which the simple worker was just another cog in the ever-spinning machine, expected to work productively and efficiently at a constant, measurable level.

But we are not machines. Our productivity changes by day, season, environment, and age yet we expect a constant, machine-like output from us and others. Being reminded that we are biological beings disrupts the perfectionist fantasy that wants to convince us that that we should always perform at the same level and do everything perfectly.

Lucky mistakes

A by-product of the need to be constantly productive is the fear of making mistakes which is seen as unproductive and a failure. Yet, how can we ever learn or do something new without making mistakes? It just isn’t possible and realising that personal or professional growth is always accompanied by apparent setbacks fosters compassion.

An interesting aspect of this belief is also that ‘perfect’ is an inert state of being or doing. Only when we do things differently new discoveries are being made. When Pasty Sherman tried to develop a rubber material that would not break down from exposure to jet aircraft fuels, she discovered a stain resistant compound (Scotchgard) when dropping some of the mixture on her shoe. Not every mistake will necessarily lead to an invention, but it is helpful to keep in mind that they are not inherently bad and useless.

I am human

Compassion frees us from the lie that we are predictable, clockworklike beings and focuses our attention on universal human needs such as belonging and the search for meaning. To be human is stepping off the conveyor belt of unrealistic expectations and standing still, marvelling at the complex and diverse beauty of the world in all its expressions and circumstances.

Learn more about thought work:

https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/the-society/

I have agency

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 11:00:58 GMT

Helpful thoughts for a life without drama

"I have agency"

Etymology of agency

Agency it is a derivative from ‘agent’, originating from Medieval Latin agentia or Latin agēns (to act) which inherently implies having the capacity or being in the condition/state of exerting power.

Hopeless passivity

One of the most insidious messages I have absorbed in childhood is that most of the time, we are not able to directly exert influence over our circumstances. Instead, we must gratefully accept what is given to us, neither wanting nor asking for more. This way of thinking doesn’t allow for ‘agency’, creating a state of hopeless passivity instead. Believing we have agency implies that we are always able to act (mentally and actively) whilst taking full responsibility for our (in)actions; in short, we possess true free will. Leaving the discussion of the existence of free will to one side for the moment being, I want to focus on what it means of not only having choice but also the capacity to consciously choose in moments even when it seems that our situation is governed by factors outside of our control.

An absence of a ’good’ choice

When we are faced with a situation in which we have already mentally collapsed multiple choices to two opposites (to stay or leave, to spend or save, etc.), both of which seem equally undesirable, we conclude that we don’t have a choice. The interesting aspect here is that we still have choices, even though we may not deem them ‘good’. Holding on to the notion that we are bereft of choice keeps us stuck and disempowered to move forward. Even the thought ‘I don’t like my choices’ is more empowering than ‘I haven’t got a choice’ and may lead to discovering a third, unifying option previously not considered.

Staying off the blame train

Another reason why we believe that we are powerless is refusal to recognise our part in creating/contributing to the current (undesirable)circumstances. Believing ourselves to be blameless victims of a cruel fate may protect us from an inner tirade of blame and shame, but it doesn’t help us shape our life according to our will. When we are afraid to look at the part we played, we cannot clearly see that we had choices we did (not) make. Being curious why we acted in certain ways will help us stay off the blame train and discover and overcome limitations. Having agency here means the ability to look at circumstances with the cool eyes of analysis and the tender heart of self-care that refuses to turn observation into an opportunity to beat ourselves up. If we stay curious as to why we have acted/not acted, we may yet turn the tide and take actions aligned with our true values.

Choosing one’s attitude

Let us now look at circumstances in which we seem truly bound. Hopefully none of us will ever find ourselves in such precarious circumstances as Viktor Frankl who experienced the horrors of concentration camps in the second world war and has written extensively about his experiences in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning.’ His most famous quote “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” teaches us that even in circumstances of apparent inability to exact any (physical) power or will, we still retain a not insignificant measure of control. We may not be able to make a choice to change our circumstances, but we can always choose how we think or feel about it. It may seem strange or even impossible to think that even in such dark environs we may actively affect anything but if we accept the possibility that we have control over our thoughts then, even then, we can shape our beliefs to our design, not the design of others. To actively choose who we are in any given situation is the root of real power.

It is in particular this last sentiment that I want to keep firmly anchored in my mind. Knowing that I have the power to stay aligned with my values regardless of circumstance is truly potent. I am holding the key to unlock the next chapter of my life.

Learn more about thought work:

https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/the-society/

Comparison is the thief of joy

Thu, 15 Feb 2024 11:07:40 GMT

Helpful thoughts for a life without drama

When I was introduced to the concept of ‘thought work’ in 2021 in Kara Loewentheil’s excellent podcast ‘Unf*ck you brain’ , I was amazed to learn that thoughts determine not only our feelings but also our actions and returns. Applying the concept of ‘thought work’, I started compiling a list of what I like to call ‘helpful thoughts’ which enable me to reach for goals that have eluded me for years and keep to a schedule without drama, shame, and guilt.

As an illustrator, I wanted a visual to accompany the words so, for the coming months, I’ll share my illustrated helpful thoughts with commentaries for you to enjoy and ponder. If you are interested in the concept of ‘thought work’, I’d encourage you to follow the work of Kara Loewentheil .

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Borrowed helpful thought: Comparison is the thief of joy.

This quote has been widely attributed to Theodore Roosevelt but not conclusively . What makes this thought so powerful is that it confronts us with the negative consequence of comparison: loss of joy. Interestingly enough, it is not the ability to see difference that robs us of pleasure but the value judgement we attach to perceived diversity. Let’s explore that concept in more detail.

Learning tool

The word ‘comparison’ comes from the Latin comparare (to pair or match) revealing its function of identifying similarities and differences. In its purest, functional form, it helps us to recognise and categorise different items into e.g. size, shape, colour, and pattern. With the ability to compare comes the ability to copy and replicate which paves the way to learning a new skill. A good way of learning to draw for example is to start replicating the works of other artists. Without observation and recognition of difference, we cannot first copy (match) the desired drawing style before we secondly, make it our own. Effective practise requires seeing difference.

Comparison and value judgement

The problematic nature of comparison rises its ugly head when it is accompanied by value judgement. Rather than comparing our drawing to that of another and purely noticing how it differs we may (mentally) add: ‘My drawing is terrible.’ That is a value judgement which often leads to: ‘I am just untalented’. Judgemental thoughts are not conducive to the long process of developing (drawing) skills that require us to copy, match, erase and start all over again many times over, because we’re most likely to stop practising altogether not being willing to bear the accompanying uncomfortable emotions. If we hold on to excitement and enjoyment throughout the process of stumbling and falling until we learn to walk, or in this example, draw well, we could accomplish our goal simply because we keep going rather than giving up.

Apples and pears

Another interesting aspect of comparison is that any value judgement is meaningless in a wider context. Who is to truly say if our artistic output is good or bad? On which scale is such a judgement based? What is considered ‘good’ or ‘beautiful’ is a changing social, historical and cultural construct which abnegates an ultimate truthful set of attributes. So, in that sense we literally compare apples with pears which never yields a useful result.

The thief of joy

Doing anything in a ‘being’ state is joyful. Whether we draw, sail, cycle or cook dinner, if we are immersed in an activity without value-judging our output, doing becomes extremely joyful. The moment we make a negative value judgement the bubble of joy, in which we were immersed only moments before, bursts and enjoyment turns into anxiety. Realising that we rob ourselves of joy by not only engaging but also believing in negative value judgements, we may actively reclaim agency over our thoughts and keep the thief of joy at bay.

The Selkie Wife

Wed, 01 Nov 2023 13:10:57 GMT

The Selkie Wife - Discovering yourself through story

The power of story

As the year turns from light to dark and we spend more times indoors listening to howling winds and lashing rain, stories become more important. They are the light of winter nights and autumn gatherings leading us to places both familiar and strange, evoking an ancient magic of enchantment beneath a layer of entertainment.

Stories are memories of events both real and imaginative and as such provide a plethora of insight into how the world was once perceived and, at its core, the nature of life itself. Such tales are never left completely unchanged and ultimately it is the storyteller’s prerogative to change the flavour of a story, determining who is the villain and who the hero.

In the fantastic fairy tale and legend of old we encounter characters that feel contemporary in their fears and hopes whilst being steeped in a mythic landscape that we enter through imagination. Engaging with those stories enriches self-awareness as we shift perspective with each character of the tale and so explore our own connection to their predicament and challenges. If we approach the characters with compassion and without prejudice, we allow ourselves to look at and be compassionate of our own uncomfortable thoughts and instincts. That is the power of story.

Celtic Selkie stories

Celtic Selkie stories have been found in Scotland, Ireland, Iceland, the Isle of Man and the Faroe Islands. They all tell of shapeshifting seals that can temporarily shed their (seal) skins and take on a human shape on land. In that new form they interact with humans often against their will and intention as in the story below that comes from the Northern isles of Scotland which I have chosen to illustrate. Please note that there are many variations of the tale.

Exploring the Selkie story

Below you will find an account of a tale that is written from the position of an observer. Read that story carefully and familiarise yourself with its content and settings. You may then want to write your own story from the perspective of a character that you are drawn to the most. How does this character experience the various events? Once you have explored that move on to a more ambivalent character and proceed in an equal fashion. All may yield a creative way of looking at your own ideas and thoughts some of which have been unconscious. Working with stories reveals such unconscious content and allows you to bring to light that which was hidden. It is then up to you keep, change, or strengthen certain thoughts and beliefs that are serving you.

Alternatively, you can work with writing prompts which can also yield a great number of insights.

The Selkie wife

Imagine that you are standing on a white sandy beach on a Northern Isle of Scotland. Wind is whipping your hair and tucking at your clothes as you watch a full moon riding high above a turbulent sea. Waves are lapping hungrily ashore, silver crested and undulating. You spot a darker shape within the labyrinth of waves, a head bobbing playfully above the waves allowing itself to be carried to shore. As the shape detaches itself from the body of ocean you see that it is a seal moving a little bit awkwardly closer inland. Moonlight streams over its skin and you notice that it is uniquely covered with patterns and symbols that interlace in a harmonious design. The seal rolls in the white sand and, before your eyes can fully take it in, sheds its skin to reveal a naked woman laughing and calling out to sea. You follow her gaze and notice more seals moving to shore and shedding their skins, joining her in an ecstatic dance on the white sands, their seal skins lying strewn across the beach, each unique in its design.

As you enjoy watching their dance you notice another shape moving from land closer to the beach and the dancing Selkies, for that is what the seal women are called. The moonlight reveals a young fisherman creeping closer to the dancing Selkies and you see desire for all that wild beauty in his eyes. Your gaze flits between the Selkies oblivious to their observer and the man who creeps closer to one of the abandoned skins and quickly stuffs it into his fishing basket. Unseen he hides behind a large rock and watches until the Selkies tire of their dancing and, one by one, find their own skin, slip it comfortably over their human shape and return in seal shape to the sea. The man’s eyes search for the Selkie whose skin he has stolen. He watches as she rakes the ground frantically to find her lost skin. She cries and screams in frustration and anger, as he steps into the moonlight, and guesses what he has done. He walks up to her and talks to her in soothing tones, offering her marriage and a life on shore close by the sea. Reluctantly she agrees to go with him to his small fishing hut and in time she becomes his wife sharing his home and bed.

You follow and watch from a distance as their lives together unfold. There is laughter and there are tears, children are born, and death takes away one whilst the other two, a boy and a girl, grow up strong and beautiful. The Selkie without her seal skin is living like any other fisherman’s wife according to the rhythms of the land but at night you watch her dreaming of the sea. Her bed becomes an ocean into which she sinks leaving the land behind, swimming with her sisters in three-dimensional freedom. When she awakens with the call of the surf echoing still within her she realises that, should she ever find her skin again, the sea would call her back and she would forsake her life on land, husband, children, and all. You watch her beg her husband to hide her stolen skin, and he promises to keep it safely stashed away in an unlikely place.

One morning you watch her little son playing before their hut. He is trying to catch flying autumn leaves that are moved by a strong breeze carrying the strong scent of the sea. The little boy is happily running after the leaves leading him slowly towards his father’s fishing shed. One particularly pretty leaf, crimson and gold with dark red veins blows inside and he follows. As if moved by invisible fingers it falls between two crates and he pushes them apart with all his strength. They part quite easily and reveal the leaf that has landed on something soft and shiny, crumpled up in a heap. He reaches out, touches the soft, flowing thing, and filled with curiosity gathers it up to show to his mother. You run back to the hut with him, excitement shining in his eyes, the Selkie skin clutched in his hands, with the sound of the sea in your ears.

Inside the Selkie wife makes bread, kneading the dough on a wooden table. She looks up briefly, hearing the boy enter and calling for her. The moment her eyes behold the skin she understands what her son has found. Her eyes reflect the difficulty of the choice she must make, between the call of the sea and the love of her family. Her son approaches her holding up the skin for her to touch and as soon as her hand brushes over the seal skin the longing for the ocean drowns out her love of all else. She bends down and whispers something in his ear, takes the skin from his hands and leaves him in the care of his older sister.

The Selkie wife retraces her steps to the ocean’s edge from hence she came. You follow behind her climbing down the dunes to the white sandy beach and lapping waves. Seagulls circle in the dark blue sky above as she unfolds the skin and takes off her human clothes before slipping on her seal skin. In her seal shape she enters the ocean and leaves behind everything that she has known and created for the past years. As wave after wave welcomes her back, she becomes part of the ocean again, the land becoming the dream. You watch her swimming far out to sea knowing that her husband and children never see her in her human shape ever again.

Writing prompts

Selkie

I lost my skin …
My skin represents…
Returning to the ocean means…
Leaving behind that which I have come to love means…

Fisherman

When I desire something I…
I can forgive myself for…
I stand by my choice because…

Child

I wish that …
I have no control over…
I am curious …

Defeating the Worrier

daniela@pixelpakhuys.nl (Daniela Brunner) — Fri, 21 Aug 2020 14:06:59 GMT

I am sad because I am sad, I am sad.

Feed me

When the Worrier is in control, attacking my mind with endless repeats of unhelpful thoughts, my body feels weak and defeated. Its constant recycling of negativity into new packages of pain keep me chained to the wheel of helplessness.

Two decades ago, I would have instinctively turned to food for comfort, a few moments joy before the inner torment would break over me like a wave dragging me into its depths. Luckily, 16 years ago I have found another way to disrupt the endlessly turning wheel of misery and grief.

Entering the gym arena

At the age of 35, I had already lost a considerable amount of weight and the idea of joining a gym no longer horrified me. I was still, in my eyes, the fattest, most unfit person lifting weights and hitting the cross-trainer there, but I did give myself some credit for at least trying to get into shape. However, motivation was becoming a problem because I did not become the lean, mean machine I had envisaged quickly enough. So, I turned to group classes instead hoping to find inspiration and drive when the Worrier whispered its poison into my ears.

After trying several different types of guided workouts, I had walked into a kickboxing class, expecting to feel just as out of place and overwhelmed as I had in all the others.

The lessons started with the entire class comprised only of the fittest of the fit, and me, lining up whilst our trainer ordered us to flex our ab’s. Just as I was wondering if I had any and where to find them exactly, he started kicking the first person in line into the stomach with what I now know as a front kick. They all heroically stayed vertical and just had to retreat a few steps. When it was my turn, I only had time to prepare myself to be knocked back badly. But the hard impact and humiliation never came. My trainer had the sense not to push too hard and I learnt one important lesson that day: It’s enough to just stand your ground.

Fighting fit

From that day on I became not the best but the most loyal student. When a kickboxing lesson was scheduled I was there. When I fell, I got up again. When I had pain, I endured and carried on. It made me realise that I could take a lot more than I thought, that I was stronger than I had ever imagined. I became not only physically fitter but also mentally stronger, something which was severely tested in the months to come.

Around the time that I slowly got the hang of all the kickboxing moves and felt part of the group, my husband got ill. When he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer I was faced with another internal choice: return to food or workout for comfort? I chose to stay active and punched and kicked myself through the coming weeks and months as my husband became weaker and closer to death. Telling no one at the gym, except my trainer, was also helpful because these were the only moments in my life where I was not seen and pitied as the wife of the dying husband. During the lessons I could be myself, forgetting for a while that tomorrow we’d go for another chemotherapy or hear bad news from his doctor. After his death less than a year after diagnosis I worked out almost constantly and eventually got together with my new partner and now husband whom I met in kickboxing class.

Defying the Worrier

Since then, kickboxing has become my constant companion, my lifeline pulling me through dark times, keeping me physically and mentally strong in the knowledge that I do not have to win, be the strongest or best because all of that will one day fade away. I just have to be there, turn up, stand my ground, face my fears. Then the Worrier doesn’t get a chance to pull me back into its endless cycle of pain, grief and self-pity.

I have accepted that I cannot perhaps defeat the Worrier only control it by staying and feeling strong. Then it becomes just another opponent, another challenger and all I have to do is face it, stand my ground. That is enough.

Redefining feminine

daniela@pixelpakhuys.nl (Daniela Brunner) — Wed, 03 Jun 2020 13:49:06 GMT

Why all women should be kickboxing

Exercise is not only good for you

It is common knowledge that exercise is good for you which certainly explains the popularity of gyms, personal trainers and sporting facilities offering a wide variety of ways of moving muscles. The availability of reasonably priced training regimes has certainly increased which allows an even bigger group to discover the joy of an active life. With so many choices and a blending of what was formerly thought of as a ‘male or ‘female’ sport I believe that working out can also further feminism and promote gender equality.

The inner traitor

Being a woman in the 21st century should mean having the right to vote, study, work and choosing your (marital) partner freely. At least in the Western World those rights are partly upheld but there is, in my opinion, a long way to go before the sexes are really equal. If you, after reading the two lines above, expect a long rant about how men are all to blame for gender inequality you may be surprised to hear that I look for the culprit at a much deeper and more personal level. I point the finger of blame at what I’d like to call the inner traitor that operates like a spy in secrecy. Its mission: making us adhere to its ideology which was developed during our formative years by observing behaviour and internalising stories.

Looking at how my inner traitor was formed and informed, I have to go back to my childhood. Growing up in Germany in the seventies in a very traditional setting (mother = housewife and father=breadwinner) I quickly decided that I did not want to follow into my mother’s footsteps. Watching my mother clean, cook, shop and clean again, day in and day out and becoming angrier by the second out of sheer frustration has made me determined to escape from the Sisyphean undertaking that running a successful household means. So, I turned to academia instead, which not only broadened my mind but also instilled hope in me that one day, when I was all grown up, my life would be very different to that of my mother. Meanwhile my inner traitor was watching all the while. Always watching and internalising lessons and views that my conscious self would abhor.

By the time I was twenty-one, living and working in the UK I believed that I had outsmarted patriarchy by being an educated feminist with a full-time job. The first crack in that veneer came when I realised that somewhere deep inside me the inner traitor, disguised as a fifty’s housewife, was trying to fight its way to the surface. One night my (girl)friend and I were watching the film ‘Overboard’ (1987) with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. We both enjoyed the romance and laughed when Joanna Stayton (Goldie Hawn), who had treated poor working man Dean Proffitt (Kurt Russell) appallingly, was getting a dressing down after losing her memory and being more or less forced to live as Dean’s housewife as punishment for her sins. We had enjoyed the movie so much that we decided to watch it again the very next day. Watching it for the second time we no longer laughed hard at Joanna’s take down. When we got to one of our favourite scenes from the previous evening wherein Dean shows his affection by providing Joanna with a washing machine our mouths dropped open at the fact that we had actually applauded Dean only one day ago for being such a great guy.

Frankly if my husband came home grinning one night, telling me that he had a great surprise for me expecting praise, and it turned out to be a household appliance I would be mortified. So how could I all those years ago, even for a moment have enjoyed that scene one night and be appalled next morning? What part of me was cheering on Dean hoping his treatment of Joanna would turn her into the ideal (fifties) woman? Where was my inner feminist then? Was she just a thin veneer covering up my true feelings about womanhood, what it means to be feminine?

Current definitions of 'feminine'

Examining my feelings and deep-seated ideas about femininity then revealed a deep well of misogynist garbage that truly sickened me. Interestingly the online Oxford English dictionary agrees with my inner traitor and defines ‘feminine’ as ‘having qualities or an appearance traditionally associated with women, especially delicacy and prettiness ’. I would bet that, a quick survey in the streets would reveal terms such as ‘nurturing’, ‘caring’, ‘beautiful’, ‘selfless’, associated with feminine. I would also venture the guess that attributes such as ‘strong’, ‘fierce’ and ‘determined’ would scarcely be mentioned.

Redefining 'feminine'

If we truly want to change the way future generations define feminine, we need to model different behaviour, show that being strong and fierce, having muscles and the ability to stand up for oneself are also female qualities. What better way to become strong and fierce than to attend kickboxing classes? To me, kickboxing has never been about becoming a professional fighter, standing in the ring and winning titles. I find it challenge enough to schedule in the time going to class, survive the cardio part and stay sharp during the technical bit. And it certainly doesn’t hurt to know how to defend myself and see proof that I am strong. It is oddly satisfying seeing a 2-metre man wince after being kicked or punched by you. You realise that you and your actions have impact, and that you are stronger than you think. I feel uplifted when I am praised at the gym not for being pretty or nurturing but for landing a good series of kicks and punches and I walk taller in the streets knowing that I am not an easy target.

During a good kickboxing training you learn how to outthink your opponent, co-ordinate punches and kicks for maximum effect and learn to problem-solve (how do I take down this giant before me?). Those skills are very valuable in everyday life and in particular when you want to succeed in the greatest fight with the deadliest opponent you will ever face: the inner traitor.

Once you become aware of those outdated ideologies within yourself that do not serve the person you want to be, fight back. Punch down guilt and kick shame in the gut. Confront fear and superman-punch it in its ugly face. Become the woman you’d like to be, and stop being defined by the inner traitor’s outmoded values on femininity. As women we can be strong and seen as such without being called ‘mannish’ and unfeminine. Let’s kickbox our way to be the woman we want to be and model that behaviour for future generations.

I am woman, hear me kick and punch.

Be a hero

daniela@pixelpakhuys.nl (Daniela Brunner) — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 18:31:06 GMT

Real heroes stay inside

During the current Covid 19 crisis we've been advised to stay home if there isn't any good reason to go out.

For some this seems a great challenge but real heroes never back down, even if the going - or not going- gets tough.

So be a hero. Flatten the curve.

Watch my video .

Suspended

daniela@pixelpakhuys.nl (Daniela Brunner) — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 17:31:34 GMT

Suspended

As the effects of the current pandemic are continuing to affect all of us in greater or lesser degrees, I became curious about the correlation of change and interruption.

EMDR

Having experienced EMDR treatment recently (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which, very simply put, minimises the effect of trauma by disrupting ingrained thought processes, I know first-hand that interference can generate very positive effects. So, when Covid-19 restrictions were put in place and my personal routines were interrupted I made a conscious choice to use this time of interruption as a tool of self-reflection and ultimately self-improvement, which means changing who we are to become who we’d like to be.

Drawing on my love of fairy tales and myths, the current crisis and, in particular, the restrictive quality of our lives right now, reminded me very much of Odin hanging from the world-tree Yggdrasil in Norse mythology which inspired the drawing above.

Odin's quest for enlightenment

Here’s a quick recap for those of you unfamiliar with the tale:

Odin, all-father decided that he wanted to know more about the world he saw before him and decided to do something about it. I imagine that he pondered how to wise up and eventually the idea of self-sacrifice struck him as a possible way to gain wisdom. He sacrificed one eye in Mimir’s well and, for good measure, threw himself on his spear Gungnir. Not done yet, Odin hung himself in the world tree Yggdrasil for nine days and night nights. It is said that he gained knowledge of the world and the runes during his ordeal which allowed him to e.g. cure the sick, calm storms and, very important from a heterosexual male perspective, make women fall in love with him.

Counter-intuitive

What fascinates me about this tale is that Odin gains knowledge in a most counterintuitive manner. It would seem rather more sensible to set out and travel the globe, study at the feet of masters and listen to their tales of wisdom. Instead he self-mutilated and hung himself in a tree from which perspective, I dare say he’d been able to see very little of the world around him. Yet in keeping himself still, isolated and, excuse the pun, suspended he emerged wiser than before.

Change by interruption

I would argue that this tale illustrates that it is sometimes wiser to stop, keep still and look within in order for true insight to occur. By depriving ourselves from the pleasure of routine we also free part of us to examine if that daily rhythm really furthers our innermost desires, something which is much harder to do when we’re blindly caught in endless, unconscious reiterations.

It is therefore not surprising that many religious and spiritual practises around the world claim that a period of complete withdrawal is just the ticket to achieve a higher state of consciousness. It would also explain the popularity of retreats that haul you out of your mansion into the most simplistic of settings and serve you unpretentious food. Then you’ll be given a new routine where you greet dawn in summer and hit your bed way before the sun sets and, to make matters worse, forbids you to socially interact. So no ranting and complaining either.

Global disruption = global change?

The Covid-19 crisis’s power of disruption on a global scale offers an opportunity to collectively increase our awareness of how we are shaping our own life and ultimately the planet by thoroughly suspending our ingrained routines. This may lead to global change if we allow the desire for transformation to take root starting and ending with ourselves. There are a lot of positive noises out there if you follow the media. People vowing to work more from home, travel less, even question whether consumerism should be at the centre of our economic policy. I would encourage us all to look deeper, suspended from normal routine and emerge stronger and changed from this period of withdrawal.

Perhaps we may not quite achieve Odin’s state of total enlightenment but a little bit more insight, self-control and determination would be nice.

Even heroes have to wait sometimes

Thu, 16 Apr 2020 15:21:39 GMT

Even heroes have to wait sometimes

After an arduous journey, days of endless questing and dragon slaying the prince finally reaches the clearing. There, in a fine glass casket, lies the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen.

He bends down, ready to kiss her when suddenly, a dwarf rushes out. His face is covered with a piece of cloth, his hand slams on the glass lid as he says as clearly as possible from under the mask and beard: “All you can do is wait, mate. Come back in two weeks and we’ll see where we’re at then.”

At your own peril

Thu, 16 Apr 2020 15:07:14 GMT

At your own peril!

They knew it straight away! It had looked too good. It had smelt too good. And it had come with a warning.

But the cookies and candies had been so tempting that they had ignored the by now familiar 1,5 metre sign and creaked open the gate to the old woman’s cottage.

They had taken only one bite when the old hag had loomed behind them pressing them flat against the cottage with her broom keeping them away at a safe distance from her.

“Can’t you read, miserable scum?” she shouted. “At my age I’m at risk. You’ll pay for that”. She shoed them into a cage usually reserved for her special breed of large chicken and locked it tight.

‘At least I’ll have a full larder now,’ the old woman thought as she went inside her cottage and closed the door.

Undefeated- Champs at life

Wed, 08 Apr 2020 13:01:07 GMT

Champs at life

When Jens, co-owner of boxing-and kickboxing club Boogieland , located in Amsterdam North, asked us a while ago what it means to us to be a champ at life I hadn’t anticipated that my answer would be tested so soon.

Boogieland boxing bags

With the effects of Corona all around us I see heroic actions spring up all around me including Boogieland which hung up boxing bags all over the city so that we have the chance to keep on training. Due to the popularity of the boxing bags and the ongoing risk of infection, the boxing bags have for now been temporarily removed . If, like me, you'd like to support Boogieland in these difficult times, you can make a small donation to keep them going.

Be a champ!

The nice thing is: we can be champs as well. We’ve all received a knock down, at best prevented to go about our usual daily activities or, much worse still, directly affected by the outbreak. Let’s stand up again collectively.

Let’s all engage our creative brain to see how we can turn the current situation around and become champs as well. For champs may fall, they may get knocked down but they always get up again. Be inspired. Be creative. Make a difference.

Keep your eyes on the prize

Wed, 08 Apr 2020 12:19:34 GMT

Keep your eyes on the prize. At all times. At all costs.

The drawbacks of single-minded focus

In many disciplines this is a key motto; whether you want to succeed in business, win a sport’s medal or simply want to reach a personal goal. It sounds like good advice, not giving in to the many distractions life throws at us in order to stay on target. But, I would argue, it is equally important to check whether the goal we’ve set out to reach is still what we are truly aiming for and worth the single-minded focus required to reach it. I imagine that not taking his eyes off the fly would make Mr. Frog pretty blind to what else is happening around him. Perhaps he is missing passing by some amazing buildings or great scenery because his eyes are solely trained on the fly that he cannot catch quite yet. Perhaps somewhere he could have taken a side road that would have led him to down a different road, towards a different goal, a different future had he only been aware of the sign post that he was passing at top speed.

Always looking for the bigger fly

The thing about single-mindedness is that, once you’ve reached that one goal, it may not feel like a victory for long. Reaching the goal is just one moment in time. It may be absolutely marvellous when it happens, perhaps the fly is the best one that Mr. Frog has ever tasted, but once that moment is gone, we are empty once more. Stomach grumbling we look for the next fly to catch, the next goal to attain and go into single-minded mode again to get there.

What about the moments in-between?

Should life be just about going from peak moment to peak moment or would it be wiser to also cherish those moments in-between? At the end there is a lot more of the journey than the moment we pass the finish line. Also our goals may shift along the way as we grow by simply being on the journey and single-focus doesn't allow for our minds to wander and imagine a different outcome.

Permission to shift the goal posts

I suppose at the end it is important to have a goal, to aim for something but to not let the goal determine the road we’re taking. Taking the scenic route is not necessary the mark of a failed journey, it simply allows us to take it all in, and keeps us open to the idea that the end goal may shift and change as we go along. It gives us space to focus on what we truly want and who we truly are and comparing that to the way we are currently travelling in order to get there.